


Let's Cyber, Baby

by JoJoWrites



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M, Funny, Humor, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-04
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-06 20:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/422807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoJoWrites/pseuds/JoJoWrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nerdilicious, and self proclaimed stud muffin, David has been talking to Daisy online for months. She's funny, geeky and down right dirty. The perfect woman for him... or is she?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let's Cyber, Baby

**Author's Note:**

> A huge, spank-worthy and ass smacking thanks to my awesome knob-polisher and beta GasawayAlley and fluffer extrordinaire Islandwoman221.
> 
> Without their guidance and ass kicks this wouldn't have been finished!
> 
> Love you both to bits!

_Wank, dink the pink, purple the nurple, spank the monkey, toss the boss, stroke the salami, juice the joystick, knock one out, choke the chicken, freak the leak, whip the bishop, wonk your donk, fap, jack the sack, manipulate the mango, salute the sailor, shuffle the deck, or plain old digital penile oscillation._  
  
I didn’t care what it was called, but I knew one thing -- I was close to running late for my hot cyber-date with my darling Daisy. We’d been chatting online for approximately 3 months, 22hrs and 43 minutes -- not that I was counting or anything, and I’d yet to see her in person or even hear her voice. The only tangible evidence of my Love’s existence was the photo she emailed me that I saved, printed and pinned to my noticeboard. It was taken during a Christmas party at her work last year and she was glowing and laughing at some kind of apparent joke. I questioned her as to what was so funny during one of our chats, but she said she was rather intoxicated that night and had periods of grain induced amnesia.

I just prayed her drinking wasn’t an issue and I wouldn’t have to stage an intervention at a later date. I lived by the old Hemingway motto, “Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.”

The streets were crowded with people trying to get home from work as I impatiently waited at the corner for the green crosswalk sign to light up. I clutched my brand new Batman comic book in front of my groin in a pathetic attempt to conceal the impatient wood I was currently sporting. I was sure the wrinkly old woman beside me was vying for an eyeful; shame she was probably well into the triple digits with bones that would powder like a donut at the first thrust.

Damnit, I needed to get home! Things were getting desperate if I was having kinky thoughts about someone with a scary resemblance to Yoda. As much as Yoda was an awesome little humanoid, he was definitely not spanky-bank material. Now, Princess Leia was another story altogether. The dreams I’d had about her gold bikini would go down as legendary and there was many an ‘Ewok’ bed-set clandestinely washed in the wee hours of the morning.

I was shaken from my reverie when the obnoxious bleat of the siren to signal the blind they could safely walk, went off.  I made a mad, peg-leggy dash across the road while simultaneously trying to avoid men in suits like OJ in a Samsonite commercial. They talked incessantly into their cells without a care as to whom or what was around them.  

Through the late afternoon heat-waves refracting off the LA pavement, I could see the oasis of the apartment I shared with my best friend Frankie.  We met at Comic Con three years ago where I made the mistake of mentioning I had a spare room and high-speed Internet. Frankie moved in the next day and was now firmly rooted in the apartment and my life.

I was making a beeline to the invisible finish line drawn at the bottom of my front door when my cell started vibrating - quite ill-timed - in the deep pockets of my formerly pressed khakis. With every ring it bounced off my left nut and sent a shiver down my spine. Fishing it out, I looked at the caller ID and sighed. The word ‘Mama Ez’ blazed on the screen with a picture of ‘Jabba the Hutt’ underneath her name and number.

I cowardly prayed to all things saintly she’d never see it.

“Hey Ma, bad tim...” I began before being cut off sharply.

“Where in the Holy Ghost have you been? Do you not answer your phone anymore? Do you have any ...”

Mama Esther was my overbearing old step-aunt (no blood relation - we already have enough bat-shit-crazy  floating in our gene pool) who had never been known for her easy going attitude. Always one to imagine the worst, she felt it’s her duty to check in on me every day for fear of me being dragged under a bus or kidnapped by a deranged hobo.

According to her, “You never know what kind of weirdos and manic serial killers live in California.” She’d seen the five o’clock news, and that was information enough for her. Her motherly-driven psyche would never understand why I wanted to move away from the Olympic Peninsula and its lush, soothing scenery. Yada yada.

How could I tell her it was to get laid -- something I could only do _far_ away from her religious, meddling ways?

“Ma, I’m fine. I’m just about home,” I replied balancing my cell between my ear and shoulder while rummaging through my messenger bag for my keys.

“Oh, have you been out buying some more of your cartoons?” she asked, her voice raising a disapproving octave.

 _Cartoons? How could she call them that?_ They are not cartoons, but exceptional pieces of art and narrative. “They’re comic books.” I sighed at having to endure the same conversation for the umpteenth time.

“Po-tay-to, po-tah-to,” she replied in her usual flippant manner. “Anyway, I need your help with the thingamajig on my computer.”

“I’ve told you before, to check your email, just click on the little envelope next to the picture of Jesus on the desktop,” I replied, having a very good idea what her real issue was -- and it wasn’t technology based.

“No, that’s not it. The whole thing freezes when I try to talk to your Great Aunt Seppy. You know, the thingy...”

Freeze? Ahh … “You mean your webcam?”

“Yeah that’s it, the web-a-hoosey thing ...”

 _God grant me strength to not reach through the phone and commit auntricide with my bare hands ..._ Look, now _I_ was asking for help from the Almighty.  Heaven help me!

“Look Ma, I can’t help you right now. Ask Toby and Sam when they come for dinner tomorrow; I’m sure they’ll be able to sort it out.” I successfully and triumphantly got my key in the lock and wedged the door open with my foot.

“Why can’t you help me? Do you have a date? Good Heavens, I hope she’s a good Christian girl,” Ma shouted excitedly at the prospect of her only _straight_ nephew meeting someone and potentially providing her with grandnieces or nephews one day -- inside of marriage obviously.

“No, it’s nothing like that. I just have a busy afternoon lined up.” I was never going to elaborate on the subject -- that was for sure.

“Okay sweetheart. I get the message, you don’t want to waste time talking to an old woman who spent eighteen years nurturing ...” she began as I shut the door behind me. I’d always suspected her of being a closet Catholic.

 _Jesus, pack a bag._ “Oh, don’t go there, Ma,” I replied, completely immune to her guilt-trips.

Sure, she’s been lonely since my uncle passed away four years ago, but she seems to have made plenty of friends since I hooked her up to the Internet. She now spends half her day talking to random people; spreading the word of ‘Hope’ to those she thinks are in need of help and guidance.

Basically, she was force-feeding Trinity soup down these poor souls’ throats in the guise of a well-intentioned and well-aimed spoon-plane. _“Open the hangar wide, the airplane’s coming in for a landing.”_

“I’ll be praying for you,” she said amid blowing kisses through the phone.

“Love you, Ma,” I replied.

“God Bless.” I could hear her take the phone away from her ear and fumble around with it. I quickly pulled the cell away from my head to muffle her high pitched screech _._

_“I knew I shouldn’t have let David talk me into this phone.  How do you turn this contraption off? Why don’t cells have actual buttons anymore? Darn technology and touch screens ...My Jitterbug was just fine._

Hitting ‘end’ on my own cell, I put her out of her misery and made my way quietly to my bedroom, trying to avoid any more interruptions in the form of Frankie. With his messy hair, greasy skin, and a never-ending supply of vintage tees, he was the epitome of classic ‘geek’. Instead of spending his time educating himself to the world around him, he spent his time ejaculating in his own world. He would rather sit in his bedroom, sticky carpet included, playing online computer games and boinking random trolls under bridges. I just hope I’m around the day he finds out they’re actually named Barry and Hank from SheBoink, Minnesota.

After closing the bedroom door and locking it securely behind me, I kicked off my shoes and shook out of my clothes before switching my computer on. I knew I had a few minutes to spare as it booted up.

I switched on my CD player and chose the most fitting music I could find. An evening like this needed the right mood and setting, and with the correct ambiance and beverages, it was guaranteed to be an astounding success. Hitting ‘play’, I opened my mini-fridge and poured myself an ice-cold glass of milk - the drink of champions, thank you very much.  And it was crammed full of essential calcium.

My grandpa always used to say, _“You gotta drink milk to make milk_.” I never understood what that meant until my nocturnal emissions began.

“Mistah lova lova. Uhh,” I sang, making the most of the ‘uhh’ by growling through my milk moustache, thrusting my hips forward and finishing with a hulk pose complete with my arms rigid in front of my body.

Standing in front of my full length mirror in my Spiderman underpants with Shabba Ranks crooning in the background, I admired my new toned physique. It’d taken a lot of effort to get rid of my puppy fat and there was definite pectoral growth -- I could even make them move if I concentrated really hard. Stroking the two chest hairs I had grown in the past few months, I started feeling like a real man at last. I was in a serious relationship, even if it was based purely on technology and mutual masturbation. Things were definitely looking up.

“Mistah lovaman, Shabba!” I sang into my hairbrush, before running the handle down my stomach, thoroughly enjoying the cold metal against my skin. The intrusive change in temperature caused my abdominal muscles to clench, showing off my semi-chiselled six pack. I bore down on my abs and checking myself out, sang, ‘mother fucker I’m awesome’, in my head. After picking an extraneous bit of fluff out of my belly button, I made a mental note to buy the ‘Ab Cruncher’ I saw on TV last night. If that failed, I could always get them airbrushed on at the salon where my grandmother had her hair set.

Swivelling my hips and trying to gyrate my dick like a fan blade, I was interrupted by my computer coming to life and informing me Daisy was already online and waiting for me - her little stud-muffin.

I sat at my desk, closed my eyes, straightened my glasses and took a deep breath before looking at the screen to see my favorite little avatar staring back at me. Oh what I wouldn’t do to those pixelating pixels ...

XxDaisyxX: Hey sexy

Nerd4U: Good evening my little ray of sunshine. What have you been up to today?

XxDaisyxX: Not much. I’m home all alone, rubbing lotion inside my thighs; thinking about you.

 Wow, nothing like starting off slowly. She was obviously as horny as me, and I had every intention of doing my best to alleviate her suffering. It just wouldn’t be gentlemanly to leave a lady in genital distress.

Nerd4U: Oh, do you have dry skin?

XxDaisyxX: No, I’m already moist. Just missing you and your big, hard cock.

Yep, definitely horny and need of some Mc’Lovin from the Davemiester. I could feel my Hulk stir to life as Spiderman’s face stretched to accommodate my ever-growing man-package.

_Don’t get it angry, you wouldn’t like it when it’s angry!_

Good thing I practice excellent hygiene, green is not a color I ever want to see my man meat turn... though it certainly looks good in purple.  Maybe I would get to see Daisy’s lips stretch around it one day. I could only live in hope that day would be soon and I’m sure those lips could sooth the most savage beast.

Nerd4U: I’ve missed you too. Been thinking about you all day.

XxDaisyxX: Mm mm the thought of you thinking about me gets me so hot. I can’t wait to spread my thighs and have you inside me.

Hello Houston, we have contact! Rocket boosters primed and ready to launch. Four, three, two, cum...

Nerd4U: I can’t wait to scratch your snatch. You know, tickle your taco?

XxDaisyxX: Well it does have a rather bad itch...

Itch? I hope she was metaphorically speaking. An itch down below should not be ignored as Ma had always told me. If it was a recurring issue perhaps I could mail her some soothing cream once I obtained her address.  

XxDaisyxX: I’m touching myself. Tell me what you want to do to me.

Was there enough space on this thing to tell her all the things I wanted to do to her? I’m sure half the stuff didn’t even have a formal name yet.

Nerd4U: I want to drill you with my light saber and see if your eyes light up.

XxDaisyxX: Oh, I love it when you get all Skywalker on me. I’d much prefer your ‘Hans’ on me though ...

_Holy shit!_

Only Daisy could make Star Wars sexy. That was one of the reasons I loved this girl. The way that makes you want to devour every inch of them and if it came to a choice between her and the DC’s Action Comics #1, she would come out on top - then hopefully cum on top as a reward.

Nerd4U: What are you doing now?

XxDaisyxX: I’m running my tongue along your thigh. It gets me really hot and makes me want to suck your cock.

The image of Daisy’s mahogany hair splayed across my thighs as she took me into her mouth flashed through my mind and my quads trembled in anticipation. Grabbing the bottle of lubrication from my desk drawer, I hastily flipped open the lid and squirted some on my dick. The heady aroma of strawberries surrounded me as I imagined Daisy’s soft lips around me. I’d chosen strawberry scented as it just seemed right. I was sure Daisy’s hair smelled fruity.

XxDaisyxX: Oh, SpunkMonkey, I’m so wet at the thought of your Darth Vader helmet.

Wet? Ooh, more lube! Slathering my hand in more of the sickly sweet slime, I lost myself in the sensation. She _really_ was wet for me ...

Moving my hand slowly up and down, I imagined Daisy straddling my lap, raising up then planting herself back down in a steady rhythm, taking my complete length with a quiet sigh. Her hands were gripping my shoulders, her hair falling down to cover my face, engulfing me in the strawberry scent of her shampoo. Her sweet, panting breaths in my ear and the squeak of my leather chair were the only sounds in the room as we gave ourselves to each other.

Adding yet more lube, my hand moved of its own accord and my hips involuntarily thrust upward, searching for the missing piece of the jigsaw they so longed to meet. I leaned backward to allow Daisy more room to move on me and stretched my legs out. My chair groaned as my almost prone body tested the screw-fastenings to their limit.  

This was unbelievable and the best sex we’d had so far. Daisy was riding me like the last bull at the rodeo as I bucked and tried my very best to get her off. Quicker and faster. The sensations were taking me over as I felt like I was falling.

And, I did. With a squeak and groan I unceremoniously got dumped on the floor under my desk.

Nerd4U:  rawysj0ognjawrbdphni;q

With one hand on the keyboard and the other on my Millennium Falcon, I struggled to get up from my unfortunate position. It was useless though; the lube was smeared across the entire seat, my ass, hands and chest. There was a particularly nasty fingerprint on my glasses too. Channelling my inner ‘Cyclops’ I closed one eye and squinted through the other.

_Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope._

Still flailing like a dying spider with legs everywhere, I managed to gain purchase on my desk with my forearm and hauled my body back into my chair. Deciding I didn’t mind the feeling of the slippery chair on my ass cheeks, I gave a few experimental squeezes. Yup, don’t mind if I do.

 XxDaisyxX: You ok sweetie?

Nerd4U: I’m fine.

Looking down at my sticky fingertips touching the keyboard, I made a mental note to thoroughly clean it with some ‘Lysol’ at the first opportunity. Or, maybe get out the rubbing alcohol. Speaking of rubbing … one out.

XxDaisyxX: Tell me what you want.

 _A ‘ShamWow’ chair?_

Nerd4U:  I want to fuck you with my hard cock until I blow my Death Star all over you, Princess.

XxDaisyxX:Mmm...I like it when you use ‘ _The Force’_.

Nerd4U:  Do you like it when I stick my finger inside your wet pussy? I've been waiting all day to bend you over and fuck you deep and hard.

XxDaisyxX: I can’t wait to have you inside me.

Nerd4U:  I love when you spread your thighs for me.

XxDaisyxX:  Keep talking dirty to me, I’m nearly there Mr. Fantastic.

I blindly typed the first thought that came to mind.

Nerd4U: I want to be your tampon.

Oh crap, I’d turned into Prince Charles! I suppose there were worse things I could have said, and I seriously thought Camilla was a foxy lady, considering her age. Maybe Daisy would grab onto my royalist ears when we finally make love? I’d always been a sucker for the royal family!

No reply? Too dirty? Too gross? Naw, she didn’t balk when I offered to scratch her snatch.

I didn’t know her hard limits, and there’s so much I didn’t know about her still. I couldn’t wait to uncover all her little quirks and secrets.

Even though I tripped myself up and skipped a stroke, the pressure in my abdomen built as my hand increased pace to a painful speed. The seemingly unending delightful torment continued as I spied a box of Band-Aids on the shelf above my desk. I had a feeling they’d be put to good use on the friction blisters sure to appear later. And right now I was giving myself an Indian burn the likes Pocahontas had never seen.

_Please, dear God, let them just be on my hands …_

 Oi, there I go again with the biblical swearing. Damn, now I’m turning Yiddish!

Suddenly a window popped up at the bottom corner of the screen and there was movement as small, but ample breasts jiggled slightly and came into focus; I swallowed a suddenly formed lump in my throat. Leaning forward and supporting her breasts with her right forearm, Daisy made jerky movements and reached for her web-cam.

This was going to be perfect. I was about to fire my lasers at the same time I saw my sweetheart’s face for the first time. Moments like this should be cherished and there was a certain poetic edge to it.

As I pistoned my dick at a speed ‘Flash Gordon’ would be proud of, the screen jumped again as Daisy knocked the web-cam upwards revealing her milky white neck. Without our microphones working, or any notice from me, I doubted she knew I was able to see her in all her glory. Her beautiful body was completely on show, reminding me of that scene from Titanic where Rose got her knockers out. Daisy’s were better though; not too big or too small. In fact, just the right size for the perfect motorboat and I was sure the acoustics would be perfect. My lips puckered and vibrated of their own accord at the thought of her silky flesh bouncing off my cheeks.

_You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!_

The anticipation was almost killing me. With every movement of her arm, the web-cam rose slightly and her slim jaw was now visible to me. With one final jerk (on her behalf and mine), her face came into view for the very first time as I closed my eyes, bowed upward and convulsed, sending spurts of jizz toward the screen.

Catching my breath and slowly opening my eyes, I readied to take in the natural beauty of the woman I loved. I was confronted with a frozen screen and a familiar face with dribbles of my man-milk running from her forehead to her chin. It wasn’t just the webcam video that froze as I took in the sight before me. Daisy wasn’t my Daisy?!  

I hyperventilated as a dark tunnel closed in on me. And, with limp Storm Trooper still in hand, I hit my head on the keyboard, snapped my neck back, and crashed my chair backwards onto the floor.

_MA?!_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. Please let me know in the form of a review.
> 
> If you enjoy the funnier side of life you need to check out Giggle/Snort Files at http://www.gigglesnort.net/fiction
> 
> It's crammed full of funny fics from various fandoms and is still growing.
> 
> Thanks xx


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